I own barn cats. I know cat owners everywhere would disagree. No one truly owns a cat. Better said, I have formed a tenuous and reciprocally beneficial alliance with some cats living in my barn. I will feed them the cheapest co-op cat feed during the lean times, and they will control my rodent population. That is the mutual usage we have established.

Periodically, one of the cats expresses their gratitude with a small token of their appreciation. They leave a severed mouse head on my front porch. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I don’t really need a severed mouse head. In fact, the cleanup alone makes the gesture not worth it to me. You could say that this gift is wasted on me.

With the holiday season approaching, I have created a list of the gifts that are wasted on me. First up … hair tonic. If you don’t know me well, I am so completely bald that I make bowling balls jealous. I can talk about the hair on my head in the singular rather than the plural. Obviously, hair tonic is a gift wasted on me.

You could add all beauty products to the list. Not that I don’t need help in the beauty department, but I am beyond help. Is there such a thing as scalp tonic … or maybe dome shine or cranium wax.

Next up … tools. This one requires an explanation unless you are a farmer, rancher or small business owner. The tax code allows businesses to write off their expenses against income and that business is only taxed on the difference. Whenever I receive a tool, I can’t see the thoughtfulness. I need the tool, and the tool is nicer than I would buy for myself. All I can think is, “That’s 35 dollars I could write off on my taxes.” I know, add that to the long list of character flaws making me a horrible person.

I could go on with other gifts wasted on me. Trust me, my wife and kids complain at any gift-giving opportunity that it’s impossible to buy for me. As hopeless as I am for receiving gifts, I am more clueless when it comes to giving gifts to my loved ones. I have one gift to buy for my wife; she finds the rest. Whenever someone thanks me for a gift, I usually say, “You’re welcome, what did I get for you?” As complicated as gift giving is, who came up with this bad idea?

At the height of Roman power, they created a winter solstice celebration called Saturnalia. Saturn was the god of agriculture, and the primary feature of Saturnalia was Roman farmers exchanging gifts of hair tonic and tax-deductible tools. I made that part up, but they did exchange prank gifts, so maybe bald Romans did exchange hair tonic.

In the 4th century, a Christian bishop in present-day Turkey named Nikolaos was known for his generosity. Upon his death, Nikolaos achieved sainthood and today is known as Saint Nikolaos. Today, St. Nicholas Day is celebrated on Dec. 6 and is more about giving than exchanging gifts. The tradition of St. Nikolaos has been handed down for generations in a multitude of cultures as St. Nicholas, Sinterklaas, Santa Claus and Jolly Old St. Nick.

St. Nicholas drew his gift-giving inspiration from my favorite part of the Christmas story … The Magi or the Persian wise men. If you remember, a group of Magi trekked across the Mesopotamian desert to find the Deliverer as predicted by their fellow Magi, Daniel the Israelite, almost 400 years previously. And this was not a haphazard sojourn. They knew their purpose, as they brought gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Christ. Now, before you add these items to the “wasted gift” category – diapers, baby formula and onesies seem more appropriate – you should understand why. The gold is for a King of Kings, the frankincense is for the Highest of High Priests, and the myrrh is an embalming spice for the greatest gift He gives to us.

Gift-giving traditions vary from family to family. My parents would always give my siblings and I jammies on Christmas Eve. The tradition with my wife and kids is a spirited Christmas argument over opening presents before or after our Christmas morning hayride. Before you get the wrong impression, it never involves Christmas caroling or warm beverages; instead, we load hay on a feed truck and pitch it off to weaned calves. It’s a decidedly utilitarian hayride. “I want to open presents now instead of feeding the animals that will pay for Christmas next year.” That isn’t really what they say, but that’s what I always hear.

If you focus on the trinkets that we exchange, it is easy to become jaded on gift giving. Instead, we should focus on the best gifts. We celebrate Christmas on a farm, ranch or in rural Idaho. As my kids get older, they crave the nostalgia of a Christmas morning hayride. Good food on a decorated table, a fresh-cut tree trimmed and a new pair of Christmas jammies. The only gift I want for the holidays is to spend time with friends and family. It’s the simple things that are gifts not wasted on me.