Time is going by. As one generation ages on the farm, and the next generation seeks certainty in planning for their future and understanding the needs of the parents for their well-being.
Emotions affect planning.
Feelings are what we experience and drive our decision-making.
How can we use the expression of emotion to figure out better conflict resolution? We have a tool as coaches that helps us determine positive conflict behaviour.
People who are good at expressing emotions respond to conflict by talking honestly with the other person about their thoughts and feelings. This is helpful for more effective communication and accurate communication between the two parties. The big bonus is people who express emotions generally feel better about the conflict resolution process when they have a chance to make themselves understood by the other party; honest communication of thoughts and feelings contributes to this.
How can we encourage compassion and empathy from those who are “closed up”?
Ask better questions with curiosity and no judgment:
- “I am just curious, Dad or Mom; it seems you are hesitant to talk about stepping back without stepping away. How is this making you feel? Are you afraid? Do you feel stuck? Are you disappointed? Overwhelmed?” The goal here is to let your parent know you need their transparency and honesty to communicate more fully about their expectations and yours. Be careful with your tone of voice; be kind and gentle.
- Download the emotions wheel. There are simple ones to help get you started in getting more effective language to express what you are feeling, and you can model powerful words to your family. We need to help everyone understand a wider range of feelings beyond mad, glad and sad.
- Get clear on your own thoughts and feelings you want to communicate. Conflict produces an avalanche of emotions, so think clearly about what you want to express. You might write thoughts out and compose a script or letter to deliver. For example, a young woman from Iowa wrote her parents a letter, had a family meeting the following Sunday afternoon and is now moving to the home farm. The letter became the tipping point for action with her 70-year-old parents.
- Choose your words carefully; keep them courteous and respectful. “I am frustrated and disappointed because we are not getting to the table to talk about what the future of this farm looks like for both of our families. I was promised this ______ and time is flying by. I only have 12 summers left with our oldest child, and I am still not a shareholder in this business. I need certainty of equity for my family.”
- Clarify the emotions Dad and Mom have expressed. “You said you don’t know what you want. When will you know?” “You said you feel pushed. I suspect you are angry because your silence is deafening … we cannot create solutions for the future if you will not talk to create solutions.” “I don’t think you meant to shut us down, but it sounds as if what you said was …”
- Keep reaching out to gain information from your dad or mom concerning how well they understand what you are trying to express. Anger is a secondary emotion stemming from fear, hurt and frustration. “I can sense you are angry, where is it coming from? Can you tell me why this is so hard for you to address? We have a wonderful family and a great future here for all of us. What do you need in this moment that you are not getting?”
We all need to be leaders on our farms. Great leaders, according to Dr. Nancy Tout of the Global Institute for Food Security, need to show up with these qualities: compassion, communication, optimism, authenticity, courage, confidence, empathy, creativity and innovation, collaboration, humour and self-care.
Leading your family from the seat you occupy, whether you are the founders, the successors, the grandparents is your choice. Take up the challenge of getting better in expression of your emotions to resolve tension and conflict in your farm team.
Parents who read these seeds of encouragement may feel “called out,” but that is not the intent. Everyone gets to take responsibility for their communication and responses to hard conversations. The conflict avoidance, the silent treatment and the lack of leaning into leadership to drive the transition process is a choice. As a coach, I am here to light the way to other options for success.
You choose.
Are you ready to start sharing your true feelings and emotions in a safe, respectful place to empower everyone in the family circle to create certainty for their future?
It is good to show emotion and have someone listen, so you feel heard.
