Imagine facing a mental illness diagnosis, losing your dreams to farm, moving across the country and suffering a "widowmaker" heart attack all within a handful of years. One dairy family with three young sons has done just that and come out the other side, saying “a bad day doesn’t mean a bad life.”
It’s a mantra many can learn from.
I’ve heard from several dairy farmers that they don’t know how much longer they can hold on. I’ve watched families struggle to keep a dream alive at the demise of the family. And I’ve seen individuals suffer because they didn’t think there was life after dairy farming.
Now seems like the right time to illustrate a story of a dairy family who overcame greater challenges than most of us will ever face. Daryl and Roxanne Fletcher offer an amazing example of the human spirit shining through business and health challenges. They both grew up dairy farming in Oregon and now live in Wisconsin.
Daryl was farming with his parents in Tillamook, Oregon, after Roxanne had farmed with her parents in the Willamette Valley, where she left when they got married. They thought they would farm in Tillamook forever and hoped to take over the operation. When it became clear that wasn't going to happen, it was time to do something different.
They moved across the country the week of Thanksgiving 2022. When asked about why they moved, Roxanne says, “I can't explain, I just knew it was the right thing. You have to listen to how you're being guided.”
It was not an easy move, but their three sons have blossomed – especially the youngest, who has a variety of learning disorders, including ADHD and dyslexia. They found friends, sports and a great community in the Reedsburg area – in spite of missing their cows.
From a heart attack to driving a Zamboni
Daryl was hired on by a dairy farm and then suffered a massive heart attack in the barn on his third day of work. The hoof trimmer saw him go down and started CPR while the herdsman called 911. Both saved Daryl’s life, along with the emergency workers who were nearby.
Daryl was 51 years old when he had a “widowmaker” heart attack. Roxanne later found out that he died five times. He had high blood pressure for years and had three complete blockages that had to be repaired in the hospital following the heart attack. When their youngest asked Roxanne if Dad was going to be OK, she wasn’t sure she’d ever see her husband alive again and replied, “He’s one of the strongest men I know.”
That strength has been necessary during a long road to recovery; Daryl was just able to return to work midway through 2024. The Fletchers want to encourage all farmers to get their health checked regularly and take preventative measures. They’ve learned to look at food differently through their health journey and are still learning about managing stress. His cardiologist, the daughter of a dairy farmer, told him, “You’re going to learn to eat the salad.”
Roxanne points to the bright side. “Daryl’s heart attack was a gift to the boys because they saw what their life would be like without their dad.” He now volunteers as an assistant baseball coach and Zamboni driver for the local hockey rink – which he wouldn’t have been able to do while farming.
From mental illness to a master’s degree
Roxanne has faced down her own demons after being diagnosed with bipolar I disorder in 2016. Based on the conversations I’ve had about mental health across agriculture, bipolar is a diagnosis that would terrify most of us.
“Bipolar disorder (formerly called manic-depressive illness or manic depression) is a mental illness that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, activity levels and concentration. These shifts can make it difficult to carry out day-to-day tasks,” according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
After Roxanne’s mood swings were getting larger and longer, Daryl asked her to go talk to somebody. She refused, but she eventually made that tough phone call and first visit to her physician. She was exhausted from “trying to be normal.”
Her diagnosis was long and drawn out. She was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder and severe anxiety, and tried four different antidepressants, which made her think about suicide non-stop. "Daryl held on for dear life and loved me through it," Roxanne said.
She kept telling the doctor it was more than depression, especially after she heard voices in her head. Those sensations later turned visual and tactile, like feeling pebbles go through her veins. Her doctor thought she was bipolar and helped Roxanne find a psychiatrist.
"My brain was on fire” is how Roxanne describes mixed episodes, when she was both manic and depressed. Her psychiatrist helped her focus on getting through it one minute and then getting through the next minute. Her bipolar was so severe in 2017 she went on disability due to the severity of the illness, as they again tried different medications and found a very rough road.
She notes that a lot of times insurance doesn't want to cover mental health care, and she had to go on Medicare to have her care covered. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was a game-changer but very expensive. Roxanne learned skills on how to handle when the hard stuff comes through three cycles of DBT over 18 months.
“When mania starts out, it feels so good. It’s hard to tell if it is normal or headed to the cliff. The higher I go, the deeper I go," she says. She couldn't leave the house for two-and-a-half months. Their sons were 9, 5 and 2 at the time – and she found a sisterhood with women who have experience with mental health challenges – they stepped in when she could not.
Roxanne is now stable with medication; her last episode ended in February 2021. Beyond professional help and medication, she’s found a good night's sleep is essential. She’s also frustrated because two bipolar medicines have led to weight gain. She knows exercise can help manage her stress and regularly walked staircases when Daryl was in the hospital. “Failure is not an option – we have three boys counting on us.”
“Harder days mean you have to take care of yourself,” she said. “Self-care may be sitting and watching three episodes of a funny show. It doesn't have to be a spa afternoon. It's the little, tiny things; drink enough water, sit outside, enjoy animals – it’s not ‘go big or go home.’”
Roxanne’s story doesn’t end with mental illness; she recently earned her Master of Science in curriculum and instruction from the University of Wisconsin – Madison. It was something she never dreamed of doing but saw an ad on Facebook at the right time. She worked through the 14-month graduate program and earned a 4.0 GPA through 46 hours of graduate work. She missed passing the English certification test by one point because of testing anxiety but then completed it through a work portfolio.
Meanwhile, an agriculture education teaching position opened up 20 miles from home and immediately captured Roxanne’s attention. She knew she’d have to pass an agricultural certification test, so she studied even more because she thought the position was a perfect fit. She passed the test by more than 30 questions over the requirement.
She’s now an ag ed teacher and FFA advisor at Wonewoc-Center and is excited about the opportunity to help young people find their way in a business she loves. She knows there will be good days and bad days but is grateful for the opportunity to work with students.
I met the Fletchers through the Holstein Foundation’s Young Dairy Leaders Institute decades ago and have watched their journey unfold. Their resiliency through business, health and mental challenges is remarkable.
Roxanne’s top three tips are:
- Talk to someone.
- Recognize emotions and feelings. They are valid.
- No situation is permanent – the sun will shine again.
Roxanne has openly shared her mental illness journey in the hope of helping others. She is happy to talk with anyone in agriculture about mental wellness (contact me for her e-mail).
She notes, “It's so hard, especially for men, to admit there might be something wrong, but it's so important to talk and ask for help.”
Remember to find hope in tomorrow: “A bad day doesn’t mean a bad life.”
