Many of us use references to help us make decisions, confirm our beliefs or for inspiration. Books (or online versions) like the Statistical Abstract of the United States, the Merck Veterinary Manual, the Bible, the Angus Herd Sire Registry or the Congressional Directory.

A recent acquisition for my audio parody library is a CD entitled The Udder Side, composed, recorded and available by Judy Williams at judyntom@ixi.net. It contains such titles as the dystocia calf’s lament, “Take These Chains From My Parts and Set Me Free!”, the grafted calf’s favorite “She Can’t Kick Me Now ‘Cause Mama’s Tied!” and the spring-drive theme song, “Don’t You Ever Get Tired of Herding Me!”

Ms. Williams surely must be a cow psychologist, the way she can see inside their thinking. Since we all have global warming on our minds because the press and the Algorites keep pointing to cows as a major producer of greenhouse gasses, her song about Vegan F… Flatulations was spot on. It seems to me that most of the urban animal rights activists, Defenders of Wildlife, Sierra Club zealots and politically correct Luddites proclaim themselves vegetarians. It is a trade-off to maintain credibility. I mean, if you want to remove all trace of humans in the wilderness, release endangered wolves in downtown Beverly Hills or Detroit and think eating ice cream, cheese, hamburgers, spare ribs and chicken wings is tantamount to murder, then it is a sacrifice they should make.

However, there is a corner they have backed themselves into, that must give them consternation. I would assume that omnivores (the human race) who restrict their diet to only plants might experience a change in their visceral bacterial population. Now, I don’t know that as a fact. But if you’ve ever heard a faithful vegetarian claim that he got sick from eating broth that had been stirred with a spoon they’d used to serve the chile con carne, it might be proof that enteric conversion could happen in people. If we accept the premise that vegetarians can actually affect their digestive system by changing their diet, then the gaseous by-products of this new abnormal digestive system would be more like that of a ruminant. Methane, for instance, is a product of the breakdown of biological material, i.e., compost heaps, land fills, wetlands, termite mounds, rice fields, burning natural gas in your home or car and enteric fermentation. Enteric fermentation is the digestion of grass and grain inside a ruminant’s rumen and vegetarian’s intestines.

Assuming this to be true, then vegetarians would expel a higher level of noxious greenhouse gasses being released into the atmosphere by going “vegan.” Each of their clever commercials and celebrity endorsements would have to contain warnings. Produce departments would be required to label each fruit and vegetable with the amount of greenhouse gasses you would emit per serving. In the end Al Gore would be selling them carbon credits from Rendezvous Barbecue, Memphis, Tennessee.

Blaming others when your own house is not in order is a slippery slope.

“I refuse to take all the heat, there are some folks that don’t eat meat.”

“The air is blue or is it green, they are the real gas machine.” Judy Williams, rancher. PD