Summer is a great time to sit down and reflect on your relationship to your father and your children. Dads wield a lot of influence as leaders of their families, and some farm men are not in a happy place this year because they have nothing to look forward to beyond farming. Sons are fathers, too. The sons of founders want a happy legacy for their young families.
I think it is time for agriculture to confront the issue of “identity-based conflict.” Dr. Megan McKenzie, co-author of Farming’s In-Law Factor, says, “People get locked into their identity and it becomes inflexible.
This hinders them from being able to re-invent themselves, be open to new ideas and new experiences or to live fully to their potential.”
Does what you do for a living define who you are? This is a tough question to consider. When you are no longer the main manager, does that mean you are useless? No. It means your role in life has shifted, you as a person still and always will have great value. You are valuable as a human being, not only as a human “doing.”
“But Elaine, my passion and my whole life is farming.” I get that. You love to farm. Farming is your business. You have another system in your life … your family. Relationships that are healthy are your true wealth because they are your legacy, regardless of the price of soybeans, corn or canola.
You are grieving the loss of some deep part of your identity when you cannot be the ultimate decision-maker on your farm. You need to let go and let the next generation succeed. Face your fear of “losing your identity and control.”
This does not mean you are done. Your new role is one of wiser elder and trusted adviser. You can share your wisdom and experience when it is asked of you. You can also be proactive and ask permission in a gracious way to share your insights by saying “Would you like to have my input on this decision?”
There is a verse in the Bible that cautions fathers not to exasperate their children. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” As a father, what can you do in the next three months to build happier relationships in your family roles?
I hear from many adult children in their 30s who are ready to throw in the wrench and quit farming because of the conflict with a father founder who just cannot seem to switch roles. He has no interest in being the “hired man again,” and unless he gets to call the shots, he will just leave. Or not. Sometimes he stays, driving the future successors away.
What could help?
1. Read Stephen Poulter’s book, The Father Factor. Hopefully, you will choose to be a compassionate mentor to your successor. Poulter says only 20 percent of fathers are compassionate mentors. We have too many “time bomb” explosive, angry fathers and founders. This needs to change.
2. Go to the doctor. Your negative mood may be depression, sleep apnea, thyroid issues or something else that has a physical cause.
3. Grieve. Understand that you are feeling loss. No one has died, but your identity, tied up in being a farmer, is changing. Call a mental health worker or get some professional counseling.
4. Celebrate your marriage. Start dating your wife again and find joy as a couple in activities that connect you to other people having fun.
5. Volunteer. Serve others. Re-ignite an old hobby you have left by the wayside. When you give your time and energy to other people, you stop dwelling on what is sour in your life. You start building a new chapter and re-invent your role.
6. Travel to a third-world country. Sign up for the next Canadian Foodgrains Bank tour. Seeing how farmers in other parts of the world struggle to feed their families will put your priorities in order. Start a Foodgrains project in your community.
7. Write a letter of appreciation to your successor. Show leadership as the dad and thank your son or daughter for all of the support they have given you to grow an amazing farm. Their work, alongside yours, has created an amazing legacy of growth and wealth to be shared.
Adult children, write a letter of appreciation to your father and your mother. Respect and appreciation flowing both ways will encourage the heart of your farm.
Email me with “encourage the farm” in the subject line, and I’ll send you a word cloud of encouraging points to attach to your letter of appreciation.
As a farm family coach, my goal is to empower family, increase profits and secure legacy. Be intentional about being rich in relationship. PD
Elaine Froese is a certified farm family coach and farm partner. Seek her out on her website.
