I’m seriously thinking about writing my first-ever Christmas letter so I can tell all our friends the exciting news about our septic system.
And I wish I’d get invited to a fancy dinner party with some hoity-toity folks so I could brag about our special septic system or, as my sophisticated and politically correct friends might say, if I had any, my septic “ecosystem.”
I’d wait until we were eating our main course to bring the subject up so I’d have everyone’s undivided attention.
The jealous people I’ve told this great news to all want to know how I achieved septic superiority. Quite frankly, I had no idea.
We don’t buy any expensive additives we see advertised on infomercials, nor do we flush yeast down our commodes.
And my wife’s cooking isn’t that bad. So the next time I saw Big Al in a social setting, at the hardware store, I asked him.
“I bet you and Diane are meat-eaters,” he said.
“Of course we are. I’ve made a living off the beef industry for 40 years,” I said, “and if an incorrect rumor ever spread that I was a vegan I’d be in the poorhouse in two weeks. But what does that have to do with my septic tank?”
“The most unhealthy septic systems and the ones that I see that are in real trouble belong to vegetarians,” said Big Al.
“They don’t throw any charcoaled hamburger, meat scraps or old hot dogs in the garbage disposal – and meat promotes healthy bacteria growth that digests the contents of your septic system.”
WOW! Here we have just one more reason to be a big meat-eater and one that I bet the beef checkoff folks have never thought of exploiting.
My mind raced with ways we could use this new information to promote meat, especially beef. The problem becomes: How can we advertise this new advantage of eating meat without grossing everyone out?
I suppose showing pictures of healthy and unhealthy septic systems side-by-side on television is out of the question, especially during dinner.
The problem is that our audience is made up of urban folks but they don’t have septic tanks, so our message would fall on deaf ears.
So I think we need to encourage them to think of their stomachs as septic tanks which require healthy bacteria.
In many ways the human stomach is just like a septic tank, except the stomach costs less to pump and doesn’t need it as often.
Can you imagine how unhealthy the sterile septic/stomachs of vegheads must be without any bacteria to digest all that fibrous asparagus they eat?
Of course, we’ll need some testimonials and spokespersons. If there’s one Hollywood star out there whose personality just screams septic tanks, I’d have to say it would be Larry The Cable Guy – but he’s making movie-star wages and I don’t know if he speaks to the right demographic.
Big Al would be the perfect spokesperson but, based on the bill he handed me for pumping my septic ecosystem, he’s making even more money than Larry the Cable Guy.
I doubt, too, that he’d have the proper spokesperson wardrobe because he usually wears a faded brown T-shirt with his company’s motto printed on it that I cannot quote here due to censorship issues.
To exploit this exciting news we need to get all the cowboy poets working on catchy phrases such as: “Let’s be frank. Eat meat for your tank.” Or, “Beef: Dessert for your septic tank.”
I also like “Beef: Peptic for your septic.” You get the idea. We can use the same bumper stickers we have now – we’d just need to add a few words ... “Beef: It’s what’s for dinner ... in your septic tank.”
Great idea, huh? Sometimes I amaze even myself! 
