Lee Pitts

So you want to be a rancher, huh? There is more to it than joining the cattlemen’s association, buying a hat and sitting at the coffee shop all day. These are the rules all ranchers must obey:

1. You must be at least 59 years old.
   
   
2. Membership is non-transferable. Once you start you cannot quit. There is only one exception to this rule. (See rule number three.)
   
   
3. Membership may be canceled or revoked at any time without prior notice by your banker.
   
   
4. A rancher’s horse is his most prized possession. It should be a Quarter Horse, but a little Thoroughbred blood is acceptable. Under no circumstances should the rancher’s horse be a Peruvian Paso, Paso Fino or any of those foreign jobs that walk funny.
   
   
5. The rancher must own at least one cow or steer, preferably not of the Holstein variety.
   
   
6. Before you buy ... beg.
   
   
7. Never take your wife to a bull sale.
   
   
8. Under no circumstances should you let your wife drive. If you do, who is gonna open the gates?
   
   
9. Keep all work within the family.
   
   
10. Don’t expect kind words or praise. That will only come when you’re dead.
    
    
11. The rancher must drive a four-wheel-drive pickup with at least two of the following in the bed: a dog, empty beer can, broken shovel, rolled-up ancient barb wire, broken float valve, horse halter, sack of feed, flat tire, baler twine or a broken plastic sorting paddle.
    
    
12. A rancher should feel undressed wearing anything other than a pair of Wranglers or Levis. None of those pants with pleats or darts in the front are allowed. I think they call them Dockers. No real cowboy would be caught dead in something called Dockers.
    
    
13. A rancher must wear proper headgear at all times. He or she only takes off his or her hat in two instances: at a funeral or when soliciting funds from the banker. The rancher’s hat should be of the baseball variety, a straw or a beaver hat.
    
    At no time should the rancher cover his beaver hat with a plastic rain cover. Beavers love getting wet. So should ranchers.
    
    
14. Ranchers do not eat quiche, tofu or alfalfa sprouts. Sprouts are for cows.
    
    
15. Under no circumstances should the rancher belong to any organized club such as the Sierra Club, Gay Rights Legal Defense Fund, Greenpeace or PETA. It’s OK for a rancher to attend a cattlemen’s convention – as long he or she stays in the bar and doesn’t go to any meetings.
    
    
16. For every hour on top of a horse, the rancher shall spend 20 hours fixing fence, pulling heifers or hauling hay.
    
    
17. Ranchers never experience “leisure time,” but if they do, it should be spent doing economic research at the auction market cafe.
    
    
18. A rancher must own a dog with good balance (for riding in the truck). It should not be a llaso apso, poodle, schnauzer or any dog with a known heritage.
    
    
19. A rancher drinks whiskey, not wine. Water is acceptable as a chaser, but not if it comes in one of those green bottles from France or a clear plastic bottle from Fiji.
    
    
20. There are four things a rancher never uses: hair styling mousse, a tractor, electric razor or a tax attorney.
    
    
21. A rancher pays more attention to the rain gauge and the price of calves than he does the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
    
    
22. All cattlemen must be married because at times you will have to make up additional rules. This is the wife’s job. The wife reserves the right to change the rules at any time. If the husband begins to catch on to the rules, the female must change the rules immediately.
    
    
23. If things don’t go well or turn out right, it is always the husband’s fault.