Regardless of personality type, no one likes tough conversations. They take practice, no matter the natural conversation skills that may exist. On a farm or ranch operation, those conversations are often more difficult to navigate, as most operations involve family members.
Reina Streigel, creator of the DIRTT Project, shared her insight in a recent webinar.
Kill the monster when it is little
The sooner we address the issue, the easier it is to resolve. If the problem originally involves one person, the longer you wait to address it, the more people will become involved. The issue then becomes less easy to identify and more difficult to talk about. It’s important to remove emotion, get to the root, deal with facts and put solid plans of action and communication strategies in place. This ensures better outcomes.
When you see something isn’t correct, identify it as a little monster and get rid of it before it gets friends. Streigel suggests five steps to help you step boldly into a tough conversation and actually achieve a positive outcome.
1. Identify the root of the issue
People often come to tough conversations amped up or feeling personally attacked. It is key to separate emotions from facts. Check your emotions at the door and do not put your own emotions into an already potentially emotionally charged conversation. If we are emotionally charged ourselves, we become ineffective to respond appropriately to the person we are communicating with. Don’t focus on a single incident; focus on the overall process. Remember, what you are seeing and hearing is there, but then there is also something deeper we can anchor to that will create mutual interest for both parties to engage in a conversation. Find a common connection point where people can get on the same page that isn’t personal.
2. Clarify the outcome
Focus on what outcome you are looking for. Identify the win-win for the people involved. When we don’t clarify an outcome, we make the situation about an individual. When it becomes about an individual, they can become personally resistive, defensive and try to get other people on their side to back them up. It can cause a polarization of people when the issue was originally very small. Avoid making it about an individual. Always start with larger group conversation, which allows individuals to self-reflect and course-correct. If they don’t, then have an individual conversation. Make it about what the group has agreed to do. Try to start with, “I’ve noticed this isn’t something you routinely do; can you tell me why?” Clarify the outcome before you have a conversation because if you aren’t super clear what outcome you are trying to achieve, all the noise can create confusion, get you off track and lead to emotion.
3. Outline your message
Write it down and practice it out loud. If you know how you want to move through the conversation, you won’t get distracted by people’s reactions and attempts to derail the conversation. Write down your key talking points. What is the outcome? What are the things you have viewed or experienced? Try to be factual, not emotional. Don’t tell people how you feel – then it becomes more about your opinion and feelings and less about the situation. It moves away from win-win.
In family operations, people love to triangulate. For example, instead of just talking to dad, they talk to mom, sister, brother and the manager. Too many people can become involved who can’t do anything about the issue. Ask the questions: Who are the people who should be involved to make the conversation effective? Who has influence in terms of outcome? Will they increase the likelihood of the conversation derailing or getting emotional? Always choosing the right people for the conversation is part of effectively outlining your message.
4. Select the stage
After we have our message outlined, then we can determine when and where the conversation will occur. We are all likely to step into a conversation too soon. We may want to address an issue when we are frustrated or when we have seen a behavior just one too many times.
Everyone has a place where they are more likely to be able to hear what you are saying to them. When you think about who you are talking to, think about where and at what time of day they have their best focus. If we don’t take the effort to select a proper time and place, we are more likely to engage in conversations in the heat of the moment. Those conversations are ineffective and usually more drawn out than they need to be. When emotions are high, intelligence is low. Emotions can be good guides, but they aren’t equipped to have conversations prepared in fact and rarely lead to clear outcomes.
5. Come to agreement
Make sure you are purposeful when coming to an agreement. When we are getting into an agreement and the conversation goes a little sideways, we have the tendency to try and prove how right we are. One of the things to remember as we are preparing for these conversations is to ask ourselves, “Do I want to be right? Or do I want to be in a relationship?” When we are pushing so hard to be right, we are eroding or destroying the relationship with that person. That usually leads to a reduction of trust, a reduction of the ability to hear each other or we don’t pay attention to the other person and just try to push our own agenda. Be mindful about what is the most important outcome and make sure you understand what you want to preserve when you walk away.
Most people will acknowledge when there is a change that needs to happen. This will not occur when they feel under attack. When they feel like they are being heard and communicating with someone who cares, most of the time they will acknowledge where the struggle is. This allows us to create a plan that will work for both the operation and the person.
Be crystal clear about when the agreement is going into effect. What will it look like? How will we communicate it and with whom?
What if it doesn’t stick?
Documenting is important. People aren’t very compliant by nature unless there is a really good reason to be compliant. If someone agrees in a conversation and then later disagrees, you have to be able to reference what was agreed upon. The documentation ensures you don’t have to come back to the issue as a brand-new concern later.
We know compliance takes repetition and practice. If the agreement doesn’t stick, address the issue right away; refer back to the agreement and realign, if necessary.
Remember to stick with it. Ignoring a problem is a common plot families use to preserve the status quo of the family dynamics because they sensed some resistance when they tried to address an issue at some point in the past. These tips can help you navigate your way through some of the toughest conversations.
