After the traditional wedding season, many farm families have welcomed a new family member this past year. My new book, Farming’s In-Law Factor, co-authored with Dr. Megan McKenzie, has some tools to help you have more harmony and less conflict on your farm.
As parents, welcoming a new bride to the farm or relating to a well-acquainted daughter-in-law, take a look at these questions and compare the answers with your spouse. As the next generation, consider what roles are working for you and which ones are not.
Tools for the founding generation to better relate to daughter-in-law
- What new insights or outlook has our daughter-in-law brought to our family? And to our farm?
- What do we most appreciate about our daughter-in-law? What conscious things do we do to embrace our daughter-in-law and make her feel loved and accepted?
- What strengths does she offer to our farm team?
- What has she taught us?
- How has our daughter-in-law shone the light on some of our unwritten family rules or norms?
- How has our daughter-in-law made our son’s life better?
- What do we need to forgive or let go of to make our relationship with our daughter-in-law stronger?
- What fears has our daughter-in-law helped us to overcome?
- What are three ways we can show more care for our daughter-in-law?
- If we held nothing back, we would tell our daughter-in-law ...
- What sacrifices have we made for the next generation?
Tools for the next generation to better relate to mother-in-law
- What do I most appreciate about my mother-in-law? What conscious things do I do to embrace my mother-in-law and make her feel loved and accepted?
- What are three ways I can show more care for my mother-in-law?
- What has she taught me?
- What sacrifices have my in-laws made for me and my spouse?
- How has my mother-in-law been a role model for me?
You can repeat the questions for sons-in-law and fathers-in-law.
As we have been researching, there is very little written about in-law relationship building on family farms. Therefore, McKenzie and I identified practical tools to help families learn about their values and differences in order to be more accepting and gracious with each other’s strengths and intentions.
Try the chart in Figure 1 and let us know what you think. It is adapted from work in Australia by Mick Faulkner’s Agrilink Agricultural Consultants and used by permission.
How happy are you with your farm in-laws? And they with you? Use this tool for self-reflection and awareness, or you can share it with the farm team to better understand their happiness factors.
If in any of these points of concern you are dissatisfied or unhappy, your farm is functioning below potential.
1. If one or more in-laws feels their in-laws do not accept them, this could show a lack of respect or closure of the gate to kinship and being fully included as part of the family.
2. If someone is not able to try new things on the farm, this could be resistance to change or a power imbalance between family members and farm managers.
3. If expectations are unclear, this may be a sign of role confusion, unrealistic expectations and poor communication flooded with assumption.
4. Good decision-making allows for all voices to be heard. A lack of this may show a power struggle or poor communication habits. It could be that the “women are to be kept out of business” in some families. Not having a voice can also be a sign of pure disrespect.
5. If a farm family is critical and judgmental, it nurtures destructive behaviour and negative workplace culture.
6. Lack of appreciation is a huge stumbling block to business success. This is particularly so for the Generation Y group (born after 1980), who expect more feedback than previous generations do.
7. Financial reward is important for survival and recognition. The goal should be for most adult children successors or business partners to become owners and be fairly compensated for their sweat equity and labor.
I am now a mother-in-law with a wonderful daughter-in-law who is studying hard to become a nurse. Each season of our lives brings new challenges and opportunities. Let us all work together towards more harmonious relationships to strengthen our farm teams. Take good care of each other and have some fun together. PD
Elaine Froese, CAFA, CHICoach can be found at her website. Order copies of Farming’s In-Law Factor as an e-book or hard copy at her online store.
Elaine Froese
Farm Family Business Coach
