Let that one sit for a moment.
In what ways does your spouse or partner show you practically that they are with you in good times and in bad?
Recently, I presented a new seminar called “Planting Hope Amidst Grief and Loss on the Farm.” A young dairy farmer daughter-in-law, who was grieving the loss of her father-in-law’s death, wrote me a very long email describing her journey of thankfulness and tears.
She was definitely thankful that the succession plan was well in place before cancer consumed the founder of the farm. Her father-in-law was truly there for his spouse and family as he collaborated with his daughter-in-law and his children to have his affairs in order before he knew he had health issues.
The seasons of going through a year of “firsts” can be brutal for new widows and widowers. Grieving families feel “alone,” and young farm widows wish they had more time to plan before the “goodbye.”
Wow, Elaine, you sure aren’t very cheery in this message. My message is that sometimes love means doing the tough things right before you die.
Maggie Van Camp, associate editor of Country Guide, lost her husband, Brian, three years ago at age 47. The experience prompted her to create the “Because I love u list,” and you can request it by going online Contact Elaine Froese.
Van Camp lists the computer passwords, key locations, suppliers, tradespeople, mentors, advisers, standard operating procedures and a whole host of other things to help us be ready to transition with tears when our beloved spouses are not there for us.
I also found a treasure in my files from 1998, which proves that hanging on to paper can be delightful when you need more tools for life.
What follows are questions I answered in January 1998 at a grief seminar when I was exploring working with palliative care as a volunteer. What I did not know was that in eight short months that year, my mom would leave this world to meet her Maker, just six weeks after our family meeting for succession. I still miss her.
Reflect on how you would answer these grief questions, then make plans to have tea or coffee with someone who comes to mind that needs you to be a visiting angel of love this year.
- Consider a loss experienced by you or your family. How did you react? What did you hate to lose the most?
- Grief and mourning involve a “permanent absence.” How do we grieve? Is the ability to grieve a gift of God’s mercy?
- Are there positive avenues of venting sorrow that are helpful? E.g., going to a movie, having coffee with a friend or going out for supper?
- Has life taken on new meaning as a result of your loss?
- Do families go through the same grieving process when a member is killed or dies unexpectedly? What emotional support can we give to the families of someone who has died suddenly?
- Tell about your experience of coping with sudden death: numbness, shock, denial. What kinds of approaches for dealing with your grief are most helpful?
- Have you suffered from guilt feelings (re: “unfinished business”) in your loss?
- How has the grieving process affected your self-worth?
- What factors or relationships help to give you a sense of dignity?
- How long a period of time is needed to grieve? We sometimes hear comments like, “It’s time they snap out of it and go on with life.”
- What methods of consolation did you find most helpful?
- Do the tears of others increase your sense of grief, or do they assure you of genuine concern?
- How does judgment differ from understanding? How can we avoid judging a reaction to grief or loss?
- What is the meaning of compassion to you?
- What has been your greatest source of strength and comfort?
- Can separation or loss ever bring triumph?
Consider the types of losses you are facing on your farm:
- Business loss and change creates trauma (e.g., selling dairy cows), financial loss
- Death, loss of intimacy and stability
- Divorce, loss of family and status
- Disability, loss of independence
- Mental illness, loss of dreams for a better future
- Failure or guilt, psychological losses
- Identity crisis, loss of purpose and direction (e.g., retiring farmers)
Ask for help
Consider what stage of loss you are in and use Table 1 to see what could help you cope.
It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help and receive it. Financial transparency with family and creditors is important to deal with money losses. Let go of pride and stubbornness. Share your feelings and ask for help.
Take time to educate others. I know a farm woman whose son committed suicide, and she transfers her pain of loss to educational efforts for suicide prevention with emergency response teams.
Have a learner mindset, not a judger attitude. Use a positive attitude to listen patiently to those who are grieving. Learn from their situations and experiences.
When your spouse asks, “Are you really there for me?” What will your answer be? 
Elaine Froese invites you to Elaine Froese Unstuck to explore more about emotional factors affecting farm families. Her online course, Get Farm Transition Unstuck, will be offered again in the fall.
