My question for you is: “Are you tired of the conflict avoidance dance on your farm?” “Are you finally ready to prevent destructive conflict avoidance?” I would like you to embrace the mindset of, “Conflict resolution is a business risk management strategy.”
I bet there are people on your farm who are ready to work out issues, yet they are highly frustrated by those who usually avoid. They often tell me, “I can’t deal with someone who won’t talk to me and tell me what the problem is.” So how can you deal with the “strong, silent types” who won’t engage with you?
Here are some tips from William Wilmot and Joyce Hocker, authors of Interpersonal Conflict:
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Put them at ease. Use a non-threatening approach – calm voice, friendly and open non-verbal actions (like extending your hand when you are asking someone to dance); don’t trap them in the pick-up truck or a small space; and consider sharing a meal together. Breaking bread together has a huge impact on setting a good tone for a tough conversation. Pie makes people happy, I am told.
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Provide safety. Set ground rules – promise not to raise your voice or interrupt them – and let them have time to prepare for discussion. I usually ask, “Is this a good time for us to talk? If not, when would work better?”
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Change the mode of communication. Please don’t text. If you have been using emails, talk face-to-face – or try writing out a letter if talking in person doesn’t work. I have seen the power of the written word with a young successor who carefully laid out his vision for the farm on paper and then shared it with his parents.
He typed it on the computer so that he could correct the tone of his letter. He was also careful to thank his parents for the opportunities they had provided, and he made requests in a polite manner.
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Frame the conversation as relationship building. You might say, “I have a suggestion for how you could help build our relationship,” or, “Our project needs some help. Would you be able to talk with me about our time line?”
- Do not say, “We need to talk.” That strikes fear into the hearts of most people.
My friend Shelle Rose Charvet, who wrote the book Words that Change Minds, has many great ideas for better communication. She encouraged me to start saying, “May I make a request” rather than using “I need to talk with you.” Check out Shelle’s free persuasion course online.
When you avoid
According to Wilmot and Hocker, “If you see your yourself as an avoider, we hope you will want to expand your repertoire to be able to collaborate, confront, stay engaged and even escalate when needed.
You will need to find the sources of your fearful responses, be willing to take breaks when you need to, practice initiating important conversations instead of waiting for others to initiate (this gives you a sense of necessary control) and focus on what is actually happening in the interaction instead of only how you feel.”
You may need to ask a third party for help in resolving the conflict to deal with your sense of overwhelm. That is why I will never be out of a job as a farm family coach. Farm families are entangled in the avoidance dance, and they want it to stop.
If you keep avoiding, others around you will avoid all hot issues to take care of you, but I can tell you right now they are sick and tired of walking on eggshells on your farm.
Their other option is to get really mad, which is called escalating, and they threaten to leave. Either of these dances sets in motion a destructive system. “You may see yourself as the victim or as the one who is right but persecuted,” Wilmot says. He adds you can change your sense of self by adopting new, risky but rewarding conflict skills.
Here are his tips for working with your own avoidance:
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Safety comes first. If you do not feel protected, you can’t use productive conflict skills. If your partner shows any history or signs of physically harming you, work only with a third party.
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Take breaks if you freeze when you are afraid. Let others know what is going on: “This is hard for me. I need to take a break, but I will be back.” You won’t be seen as an avoider but as a careful person.
In mediation, we call these “caucus” breaks, where the person speaks privately to the mediator to get their bearings and more understanding or information.
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Ask for the dance. Learn to initiate conversations rather than waiting. John Gottman calls this “making quick repair.” Don’t let issues fester and boil. Engage.
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Ask for help if you are stuck. The greatest gift we can give each other is the sense of being heard. Talk to a professional third party, the farm stress line counselor or a trusted friend to work out how you want to address your conflict situation.
I have many resources on my website to encourage better conflict resolution. “How to Have Better Family Fights” is one of my most-watched webinars. PD
Elaine Froese empowers farm families and helps them secure legacy. She farms with her husband and son near Boissevain. Email Elaine or call (866) 848-8311.
PHOTO: Photo courtesy ThinkStock.
