In larger dairies, cousins may also be part of the mix, along with multiple generations including grandparents or uncles. So beyond the nuclear family unit, there are many configurations that are part of the communication web. Oh, and don’t forget about the step-relatives.
The critical thing is that when you are marrying, you are also becoming part of the extended family web. Some folks don’t realize the negotiating or impact the extended family’s expectations can make on their family and the business vision.
One daughter-in-law shared that the marriage of a younger brother really changed how things worked on their farm. The new bride wanted nothing of a farming career while the daughter-in-law and her husband, the older brother, have embraced farming’s lifestyle, including late-night decision-making.
Thus, the relationship between the daughter-in-law and her brother in-law shifted, as did the dynamics of the farm. The old passion and focus for all things farm now had to be negotiated with the brother-in-law’s new urban-focused bride.
The reach of the extended family in decision-making on the farm may be global. Some immigrant families still lean hard on the elder wisdom of grandparents across the pond.
This has angered the adult grandchildren and their spouses who are trying to have open, honest, respectful conversations for their business futures without the judgment of the elder generation. Secret family interventions usually lead to more conflict and lack of trust. Be careful how you embrace the wisdom of the elder generations: do it openly.
One of the challenges with sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law is they are often compared to each other in terms of what they’ve accomplished, their work ethic, their children and their relationships. Comparison and the implied competition may seem harmless, but it is actually quite destructive.
Competition wears down self-esteem and can be emotionally draining as farm team members try hard to please the “judges” instead of focusing on working together as a team.
As Marilee Adams, author of Change your Questions, Change your Life encourages, you can choose to have a learner mindset and not get caught in the judger pit.
Often family gossip from the extended family focuses on a sense of judgment and competition, which is not helpful to resolving unrealistic expectations. Family gossip can be curtailed when people no longer participate in it or choose to focus on the positives.
Instead of talking about what people are doing wrong, how about choosing to focus on accomplishments or ways to be supportive?
David Chilton, author of The Wealthy Barber, has suggested that Canadians are suffering from “granite countertop syndrome” as a measure of success. If you have granite countertops in your kitchen, you have arrived. This is a great word picture to compare the value differences in farm sibling in-law relationships that cause competition or friction.
Your daughter-in-law from a meager background may be frugal and willing to live on less while her sister-in-law really is only happy when she has granite countertops in her designer kitchen.
Here are some things to remember with extended in-laws.
- Values or cherished beliefs may be different in each family unit. It is not our job to convert others to our way of being as long as what they are doing is not harmful or damaging to others. It is our duty to be respectful and accepting of others.
- The question of “How much is enough?” is a curious driver on farms. Some people choose to live simply, and others are driven to always acquire more. This is a good conversation starter when you are re-visiting the business plan for growth of the farm.
Often siblings and cross-generations make assumptions of what “should” be enough for someone else. Judgments about lifestyle abound, and these judgments can be very destructive and stifling.
- There needs to be a discussion about fair compensation for time. Respect needs to be given for the choices made. There are only so many hours in a day, and long days on the farm may be the norm, but it is up to individuals and spouses to agree on the balance between work and family time. Be sure the compensation for labour is fair regarding money, skill and time.
- Also consider, there are some in-laws who do not want any involvement at all in the farm business. Is this OK with you? People are happier when they are following their passion.
If a farmer’s spouse draws very clear boundaries and keeps away from the farm, they may not know all the workings of the business. They cannot expect to be making decisions about the farm, as you can’t have people parachuting in to the decision-making process.
In some cases, having someone who is not happy on the farm yet is forced to be involved may deter future generations from engaging in the farm.
For a great read on boundaries, see Cloud and Townsend’s book Boundaries.
- The distant relatives, uncles and cousins for example, can have a big impact on the dynamic of farms and families. The willingness to be positive, be flexible and have collaborative decision-making is key. For example, some farming uncles treat their nephews better than some fathers treat their sons.
The extended family can help out by selling land at a fair family price rather than full market value. Equipment sharing is another example of how resources can be shared via the extended family to give a “leg up” to the relatives.
I caution that, even with the right intentions, help from the relatives cannot be taken for granted, so have basic rental and land lease agreements in place.
I have also seen the chaos of farm accidental deaths or other complications create strife between the in-laws and cousins when no formalized agreements or contracts were produced for clarity of expectations.
- Extended in-law relationships can be cultivated. For example, it is important that your adult child is able to connect with his or her in-laws.
One mother-in-law said, “I make sure my daughters-in-law know they should always put their families first when it comes to holidays because we get to have them all the time, so we are willing to share for holidays. The daughters-in-law are really good at including us and giving us time for the holidays, too.”
Enjoy the rest of your summer, and be intentional about accepting all people on your farm team. PD
Elaine Froese is a certified farm family coach who has decades of experience helping farm families clarify expectations, create certainty, and commit to action.
