Folks often say that family farms are ripped apart by greed during succession battles. Sometimes this is true, but many times non-farming siblings in their 40s fight over the estate for other reasons. I’ve seen many situations where non-farming siblings resent the attention their farming siblings got and feel that getting equal share of the estate is a way to prove to themselves daddy loved them equally.
I saw Emily the engineer (example No. 5) take her brother to court when their dad suddenly died with an unclear will. It wasn’t because she needed the money but because she resented the farm. Her brother didn’t back her business, so why should she back his? Sometimes that fight over an extra 1% share has nothing to do with needing a bigger boat but a deeper emotional need to fill a void of neglect they felt over the past 20 years.
Many siblings grow to resent the farm and their farming siblings for robbing them of the time and attention they craved from their parents. Some succession battles are about trying to get compensation to prove to themselves their parents loved them equally. Other battles are vengeance against the farm, trying to ruin the business that ruined their parental relationships.
There is the way things should be and the way things are. You can spend your life being infatuated with how your situation is unfair. You can try to change your parents, but ask yourself, how realistic is that? Therapist offices are filled with grown adults complaining about how their parents weren't fair. The truth is: Life isn’t fair. The family farm dream is often painted in movies as idealistic, but the dark truth is: Sometimes it’s not an ideal childhood for some and often turns darker during adulthood. Like an alcoholic, you must learn to accept self-absorbed workaholics for who they are. No matter how much you yell at them, if they are self-absorbed, they won’t try to understand things from your view, only theirs. So why waste the mental energy to fight a losing battle?
For the kids who don’t farm, I have these three recommendations:
- Realize that your upbringing on the farm gave you an incredible work ethic and skill set that you can take with you wherever you go. Many farm kids resent the long hours they invested into the farm while their friends played football or went to band camp. But even if you choose a career in advertising, skills you learned on the farm have given you a competitive edge with a relentless work ethic, excellent problem-solving skills and high self-confidence that a degree from Harvard couldn’t buy. You could choose to regret the past, but what good would it do you? You can’t change it. Focus on the positive benefits of your upbringing and celebrate fond memories. Make being a farm kid part of the bedrock of your self-identity and, regardless of what life throws at you, realize you can handle anything because that is what you learned in your early childhood back on the farm.
- Often, when a farm kid chooses to pursue a career off the farm, they in some way disappoint parents. Subtle guilt and shaming happen as parents directly or indirectly encourage the kid to come back to work on the farm. With most farm debt situations I’ve turned around, it comes down to the farmer living the parents' dream, not his or her own. This lack of passion 20 years later results in a spiral of bad decisions being made because the kid’s heart wasn’t in it. There is nothing worse than having to move your parents’ furniture off the farm and into subsidized housing because you lost what was once a successful farm due to your lack of passion. I’ve witnessed it. So don’t feel guilty for not living your parents’ dreams because those dreams can easily turn into a nightmare for everyone. Live your own dreams.
- Don’t live for your parents' approval because it might never happen. Don’t set yourself up for failure. What is important is that you know you. “Know thyself” is inscribed on ancient ruins around the world for a reason. Don’t live your life jumping through hoops for your parents' approval; create a quality life you approve of. Just make sure your goals are positive and healthy, not hedonistic. Define what heaven on earth looks like for you, not your parents. Define for yourself what your mission and vision in life is. Set realistic yet audacious goals, and then make sacrifices and eliminate distractions to achieve them. Condescending words from your parents might be one of those distractions; don’t let that cause you to get off track. Set goals and personal rules for yourself, and use a dashboard (external frame of reference) from which you can measure your success daily and annually. Set your compass to your own true north.
It's an unspoken truth, but there are a lot of farm kids who are miserable because this issue is a bigger problem than what is discussed openly in the community. It influences the probability of anxiety and depression. You can’t control what your parents think, but you can control what you think. Once you realize this, your life will change for the better.
And for the siblings who remain farming with their parents – you don’t have it as good as your siblings might fantasize, do you? Don’t get into arguments about this. Try to empathize with your siblings and instead of looking down on them (as many farmers unintentionally come across as doing), build them up. Celebrate the success your siblings have in their careers and lifestyles. Sure, the life they chose might not be what you’d choose, but try to understand why they chose it, and make them feel good about it. Get your siblings thinking about themselves in a positive light. Encourage your parents to be encouraging. If your little nephew’s birthday is in the city during spring planting, and it’s important to your sister, drag your dad by the ear to his truck and force him to go. Make sure the seeds of resentment or doubt aren’t planted in your sibling’s head, or else your dreams might not be realized as a result due to a succession mess. Don’t just say it – make family relationships a priority. Put family first.
If you have a non-farming friend who struggles with this issue, share this article with them. It might make a difference in his or her life.
Andy “Caygeon” Junkin’s niche is helping stubborn farmers work better together. You can download his audiobook “Bulletproof Your Farm” and/or take his masterclass ”Farming with your Stubborn Family” for free by going to Stubborn Farm.
