It seemed like every time John needed the tractor, it broke down. There was always something else that needed to be fixed. So when he went to town and saw the used tractors sitting out front of his local dealership, he thought he’d see what prices were like. John walked out of the dealership the proud owner of a brand-new-to-him tractor. He couldn’t wait to get home and tell his wife, Melissa.
John didn’t exactly get the warm welcome he was expecting. She went back to the dishes with a huff and mumbled something about how he should have talked to her first. John couldn’t understand why she was so upset. She knew their old tractor was causing problems and they needed a new one. This wasn’t even the fanciest one he could have bought, but he knew he would be able to get all the work done – allowing him to spend more time with the family. The farm was their livelihood and, while this was a big expense now, it would pay off in the long run.
And her comment about talking to her first? He could see how that might have been a good idea, but it was such a spur-of-the-moment decision he didn’t think about it. He’s the one managing the farm, so talking to her would have been a waste of time. After all, he is the one who ultimately decides when to make a purchase for the farm.
Whether it is about finances, parenting or even washing the dishes, every person will face conflict throughout life. When there is a conflict – whether it is acknowledged or not – it is usually because at least one person in the situation feels like a need is not being met or something is happening in the situation that is not in line with their values. To be able to have healthy and helpful conflict, we must be willing to understand what those deeper needs are, both for ourselves and others. This is not an easy process, and it takes time to learn. To get you started on this path, here are three suggestions on how to uncover the deeper needs driving conflict.
Ask questions
Open, honest questions are ones you genuinely do not know the answer to, and they cannot be answered with a yes or no. You may start a question like this with an observation, but try not to label the other person’s emotions or to jump to conclusions. In the above example, John may say something like, “I heard you say I should have talked to you first. Can you explain to me why that is important to you?” or "Melissa, you didn't respond to the tractor like I was thinking you would. What are you feeling right now?" Typically, a series of questions will be necessary to truly understand the needs and values driving the situation. One question probably won’t be enough.
Listen
When John asks a question, he may not like the response he gets. Melissa is clearly upset, so she may say harsher words than she would at a different time. Even if John feels Melissa is being unfair, it is important that he listens to understand. It would be natural for him to try to defend his decision, but trying to explain himself in that moment would most likely result in Melissa shutting down more (or getting angrier). Listening well means not only listening to the words Melissa is saying but actively trying to understand her point of view. People tend to be more responsive to hearing our side when they feel heard first.
Express
When a person opens up and shares deep-rooted needs and values, they are going to feel exposed. Validate their emotions by, at the very least, thanking them for allowing you in. Take ownership for things you may have done to contribute to the situation. If the situation has calmed down enough, you may be able to share your own thoughts and feelings, but it is usually a good idea to ask. If John feels their conversation has helped him better understand why Melissa was upset, and the intense emotions have calmed, he may say, “Thank you for helping me understand your side. I want us to work as a team, so I should have talked to you before making such a large purchase. Would it be OK if I shared my perspective and why I did it?” He expressed gratitude, made a statement to show Melissa he was truly listening to her, then asked if he could share.
Hopefully, Melissa will now allow John to explain so she better understands his actions. If she is not ready for the conversation in that moment, John can bring it up at a later time so Melissa is able to better understand him. While sharing his side, it would be beneficial for John to focus on his experiences using “I language” and not “you language” (i.e., “I thought it would be beneficial for the farm,” not “You never understand farm purchases”). He should try and show Melissa his perspective without adding blame to the situation. With the increased understanding, they can get through these conversations. They can develop a plan to avoid situations like this in the future.
Every situation will look different. There is no formula outlining how to deal with a disagreement the “right way.” But as we practice asking good questions, listening well and responsibly expressing our own thoughts, we can discover the deeper needs and strengthen our relationships.
