Happy New Year, everybody. It’s the first day of breaking all those resolutions. Don’t feel bad; 75 percent of people break their new resolutions within the first week, and the other 25 percent of people are the reason why.
I’m a comedian, not a motivational speaker. We’ve all heard phrases like, “Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but it sure helps keep you alive,” or “Live for today because tomorrow your mother-in-law may move in.” And my favorite, “Life is short, so get the longest payment plan possible.”
So, people, basically we should all live life to the fullest. No regrets – that’s why they have bail bondsmen. I think that was my entire philosophy during college. Trust me, the last thing you want to hear a county judge say is, “Oh, you again.”
I thought I lived a pretty full life – until I started getting my mail this past week. Apparently, in the past I’ve been too soft on the New Year’s Eve parties and festivities. My New Year’s resolution is to have a better New Year’s Eve party next year. Usually on New Year’s Eve, I’m in bed long before that big ball in New York City ever drops. I wake up the next morning rested and ready to take on the new year ahead.
Well, no more of that. According to what I received in the mail, I am not the norm. In the mail every day between Dec. 26 and Jan. 1, I’ve received flyers about huge discounts only happening on New Year’s Day.
Buy one, get one half off prescription glasses. All appliances 30 percent off. Free vaccinations and shots for any pet adopted on New Year’s Day. How epic is your New Year’s Eve party that you threw your refrigerator out the second story window and drank yourself blind to the point of your dog running away? The party only lasted from 8 p.m. to midnight.
I guess I’m not living for today like I should. And, seriously, I consider myself a fairly conservative man, but I don’t even wanna know what happened that you need to run out on New Year’s Day to buy a new mattress and living room set for 20 percent off so quickly. What happened that you need new tires or even a new car all of a sudden?
I gotta get out more. I received one mailer for 25 percent off the farmersonly.com sign-up fee. You know that party went bad. I guess the couples cruise you got her last week for Christmas is now a no-go. You better hope she’s not out looking at the New Year’s Day 40 percent off caskets.
I wish you all a happy, healthy, safe and prosperous year. And if you are one of these people who have to run out and buy a new everything after the New Year’s party, send me an invitation. I know a great bail bondsman. 
Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian (Tim the Dairy Farmer). He has a new comedy album out and needs followers on Twitter @TimDairyFarmer
