Recently, I wrote an article where I cited Hernán Cortés’ conquest and success when he and 600 men conquered an Aztec city. His strategy was simple: “Burn the boats,” not giving himself or his army a path for retreat. It was a matter of victory or death. They would conquer and return home in their enemies’ boats or they would be carrion for the buzzards.

Success in marriage is such a proposition. Young couples who start out marriage today often make “pie-crust promises,” as Mary Poppins calls them. “Easily made and easily broken.” They say, “We love each other, and we will be together forever if ...” The “if clause” contains many escape boats.

If we are compatible ... If I can still do what I want ... If things work out ... If ... and the list goes on. God’s plan of burning the boats at the altar is almost forgotten: “Leave father and mother and cleave unto” your spouse is an archaic worn-out phrase with no application in the modern world, yet God’s battle plan is still the only one that will produce a successful marriage.

What boats do young couples need to burn at the altar?

In Cortés’ time it was easy to burn the boats. One flaming torch did the trick, but some boats that need to be destroyed at the altar of marriage are like reptiles – they rebuild themselves with every wound.

Selfishness is one of those boats that can’t be destroyed once. It is a daily commitment. When you are courting, it is easy to look into your true love’s eyes and think you would give up anything for him or her, but it is not so easy to look into those same eyes over the breakfast table and discuss where the next dollar is going to be spent.

It is not easy to see underwear strewn from the bed to the shower day after day or overlook the twisted toothpaste tube. It isn’t easy to meet the grumpy morning face that hasn’t had enough sleep because the baby has cried all night. It isn’t easy to wash the dishes by yourself while your spouse catches a few relaxing breaths in front of the TV.

The boat of selfishness is built on expectations and perceptions of how things should be. We feel marriage is a 50-50 proposition. Your spouse should give at least as much as you do. Everything should be shared equally and everyone will be happy.

The problem with that philosophy comes when you realize that husbands do not have the same expectations as wives do. Husbands and wives were raised in totally different environments, and no household is the same.

Your husband’s mother might have been the kind that was the servant of the house and never let her children and family participate in household chores. You might have come from a family where everyone shared equally in everything. That is a battleground in the making.

Marriage is a one-way street of expectations. In other words, you expect more of yourself than you do of your spouse. Expect yourself to pick up the dirty underwear no matter who it belongs to. Expect yourself to be the one to do the dishes and clean the house.

Expect yourself to be kind to the “grumpy face” and to be the one who understands. Consider it a service to the one you love. It is amazing how kindness begets kindness and good deeds beget good deeds. If you are both willing to forgo petty expectations for the greater good, it is a wonderful thing.

Of course, we know that abandoning all expectations is not what marriage is all about. We need to expect our husband or wife to be faithful. We need to expect to be treated with respect. We need to expect to live in an adult relationship where both partners are law-abiding citizens.

Abuse, infidelity and criminal behavior have no place in marriage. Those boats need to be discovered and torched long before the altar. If they are discovered after marriage, the ship of divorce is justified. No one should force himself or herself to live with someone who will drag him or her into the chasm of despair.

Abandoning petty expectations in burning the boat of selfishness works only if you are able to burn the boat of negative self-talk first. Negative self-talk is the conversation that goes on in your mind. Wife negative self-talk goes something like this:

He just comes home from work and sits in front of the TV. I have to do all the work. Can’t he see that I am tired too? I have worked all day! He is such a lazy slob. He can’t even pick up after himself. Dinner will be cold tonight. He won’t even notice. He never says anything good about my cooking. He treats me like a rag.

His self-talk might go like this:

She is never happy. I work all day and come home to a frown and a list of honey-dos. I don’t understand why she seems upset when I watch a few shows on TV. I bring home the money and she spends it any way she wants. She should be happy.

The boat of negative self-talk is dangerous and destructive and always leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. First of all, when you act on negative self-talk, you are making unfounded snap judgments about the other person.

You seldom have all the facts. Second, you act on your judgments. You treat the other person the way you think he or she is behaving. Sometimes your judgments might be correct, but most of the time you are wrong.

In every case, when you act on negative self-talk you are breaking bonds that should hold you together, and the results will be destructive. Burn the boat of negative self-talk altogether and build a positive self-talk boat.

What does positive self-talk sound like? When her husband comes in and sits down in front of the television and starts mindlessly flipping through the channels, the wife’s positive self-talk might be:

He always comes in and sits down in front of the TV. I wonder if he had a bad day. I wonder if all is well at work. He seems tired. The last thing he needs is a grouchy wife. He might like a glass of ice water.

I know I have had a tough day too, but he doesn’t need to worry about that. I’ll tell him about the broken microwave later after dinner. The bad news about Johnny’s grades can wait. Right now he needs a happy wife.

If the wife acted on that self-talk, the result would be positive and the husband would feel like putting down the clicker to pay attention to his wife.

A husband’s positive self-talk might go like this:

She is not smiling this morning. She must have had a rough night. I did too. That baby sure likes to burn the midnight oil. It will be nice when he sleeps all night. In the meantime, I should take care of the baby a little more at night so my honey can sleep.

I’ll bet she is exhausted driving the kids back and forth to practice. Saturday, I’ll take the kids off her hands. She probably needs a night out. She probably needs a longer hug before I head off to work, an “I love you” might help.

If the husband acted on this self-talk, the result would be magnificent. It would solve his problem of a frowning wife and would let his wife know that he really cares more for her than the television.

The Lord must have intended marriage to be a training ground for the valiant Christian because it is truly the toughest, most rewarding of life’s circumstances. Only the most committed will survive and reap the rewards of an eternal marriage.

Cortés’ strategy for conquering the Aztecs is a good strategy for marriage. You must leave no avenues for escape. If there is an escape route, I guarantee, when life gets tough and the battle rages, you will want to retreat. It will be easy to jump in a boat and float away.PD