Performing stand-up comedy, I’ve had the opportunity to meet farmers from all over the U.S. and Canada. We all have three things in common. We’re broke, we love to laugh, and we never turn down a meal.
One look at me and it’s obvious I’ve never turned down a meal. And, in some cases, I’ve made up excuses to even add a meal or three. Recently, I was driving through Iowa between shows in Illinois and Minnesota. While in the area, I called my cousins, and they recommended we get together for lunch.
No problem. So after the 20-minute banter most people do when it comes to deciding where to eat – you know, the “Where do you want to eat?”
“I don’t care.”
“What about this place?”
“No, I don’t want that.”
“Well, how about that place right there?”
“No, I’m not in the mood for that.”
“I thought you didn’t care where we eat?”
“I don’t.”
I could have made a bow and arrow set, tracked down a moose, cleaned it, grilled it and had it on the table already.
So, mistake number one for the day: I allowed my cousins to talk me into eating at a diner that happened to be on Interstate 80 at a truck stop. My cousin said, and I quote, “It’s the best place in town.” And the only reason that’s true is because there wasn’t a town within 47 miles of this place.
You know you live in the sticks when you consider a truck stop a town. Nothing against over-the-road truck drivers but, at this place, as fat as I am, I was the hot chick.
I’ve been trying to eat fewer fried foods and eat healthier. Mistake number two for the day: I ordered a salad at a truck stop diner. I’m pretty sure I overheard the cook in the back say, “What’s a salad? Have we ever sold one of those?” I think all they did was scrape the toppings off a couple hamburgers and put it on a plate. Mistake number three for the day: I actually ate the salad.
Fast-forward to the drive up to Minnesota. If you’ve never had food poisoning, let me give you a quick run-down. At first, there will be slight discomfort in the lower intestine. Ten minutes later, the stomach will make loud noises resembling that of a humpback whale looking for its mate. Within 4 more miles, the humpback whale in the gut is at full volume with excitement from finding its mate.
But wait! All of a sudden, the humpback whale has been harpooned by an Indonesian whale hunter, causing earth-shattering cramping. Thoughts of fear will ensue in the brain because you just passed the last rest area for 40 miles. Now it’s not a matter of if but when.
It’s too late. The next three days are filled with thoughts of fear. Will I cough? Will I sneeze? Laughter and any sudden movement will lead to sudden embarrassment. So we all do what we must to survive.
Well, Tim, how were you able to perform three shows, three days in a row, in three different states while battling the whale? Depends. 
For all your comedic needs, check out Tim the Dairy Farmer.
