The secret to our program is our exercise equipment. Nothing can match our device for overall strengthening and rapid weight loss. Ladies and gentlemen ... the 1963 International (affectionately known as Ol’ Yeller).

To maximize Ol’ Yeller’s calorie-burning potential, we first beat the suspension to death. The resulting lack of shock absorption allows badger holes and boulders to blast those fat cells right off your thighs. (Note to clients: The more well-endowed ladies will want to bring extra super support garments.)

Of course, the power steering had to go. The clutch and brake have added resistance, which – combined with the extended arc of motion in the pedals – is better than any leg press machine in those fancy gyms.

We’ll begin each session at the hay yard, applying the exact combination of ether, jumper cables and prayer needed to get Ol’ Yeller running. Then we’ll stick you behind the wheel and point you in the right direction. Don’t worry; you’ll have plenty of time to master the controls as you rattle across half a mile of bone-jarring alfalfa field. The tractor will be waiting to load eight 1-ton round hay bales. Then you’ll crank Ol’ Yeller around and rattle back again.

Round bales, being round, have a tendency to roll, so each load must be butted up against the last load, or we end up with flattened fences. To add that extra level of difficulty, we’ve designed the hayrack so the line of sight through the rearview mirrors is blocked by the bales. This will give you three or four opportunities per load to wrestle the truck into position.

Then comes the best part.

To raise the hoist, push in the clutch with your left foot, shift the truck into neutral and pull out and hold the PTO knob while simultaneously pulling out and holding the hoist knob. You may also need to rev the motor as you ease the clutch out. At the exact instant gravity overcomes friction and the bales begin to slide, jam the clutch to the floor. The weight of the sliding bales will propel the truck forward.

You will get used to that “shot out of a slingshot” sensation after 15 or 20 loads (complimentary cervical collars and ibuprofen are available from the concierge), and the big ker-bang when the bale rack jumps and slams. Until then, the burst of adrenaline will give your metabolism a nice boost. And feel free to pump the brakes. It’s excellent for quadriceps development, even if it does nothing to slow the truck.

As an added bonus, after the first load or two, the floorboards of the truck will get hot, emitting a unique blend of baked grease and essence de toasted mouse turd guaranteed to squelch those pesky snack cravings. And since the heater knob has been stuck in the “on” position for approximately 20 years, the cab will become your own private sauna. Don’t be surprised to find you’ve melted off a pound or two in just the first afternoon, especially if it’s a bright, sunny day.

As far as I can tell, this plan can’t miss. Demand will be high, though, so sign up now. We’ve only got 247 more loads to haul.  

Kari Lynn Dell is a third-generation cowgirl, horse trainer and rodeo competitor. She writes from her family ranch on Montana's Blackfeet Reservation. For information on her novels, short stories and other writing projects, visit her website.

PHOTO: To some, Ol’ Yeller just looks like an ancient truck, but really, she’s an exercise machine in disguise. Photo by Kari Lynn Dell.