• It was so cold every calf north of Cabool, Missouri, that was at least one-eighth Bramer sold himself and bought a ticket to Brownsville.
  
  
• So cold every coyote in Idaho carried jumper cables to start the jack rabbits.
  
  
• So cold every vegetable farmer in California remembered where he came from.
  
  
• So cold every wild horse in Nevada was callin’ the BLM for room service.
  
  
• So cold North Dakota froze into Minnesota – and when it thawed and broke off, it picked up three new counties and another congressman.
  
  
• So cold in Hyannis, Nebraska, the hired man broke ice in his stock tank and didn’t hit water ’til Lake McConaughy.
  
  
• So cold in Ohio that the ewes all bought down-lined Pendletons.
  
  
• So cold in Nancy, Kentucky, that the New Year’s Day Parade was held in the county snow plow.
  
  
• So cold in Montana that ranchers were renting mobile methane emitters to shivering environmentalists.
  
  
• So cold in Harlan, Iowa, Santy’s sleigh got stuck on top of the water tower. He was rescued and airlifted to the Elks Club in Audobon for treatment.
  
  
• So cold in Macon County, Tennessee, the local Global Warming Task Force postponed their meeting ’til spring.
  
  
• So cold in Maple Creek, Saskatchewan, they put their rye in the refrigerator to warm it up.
  
  
• So cold in Oklahoma it laid a sheet of black ice on Interstate 40 so slick that traders as far east as El Reno could tie five steers together, lay ’em down and slide ’em plum to Elk City auction barn with just one push.
  
  
• So cold at Monfort’s feedlot in Kersey, Colorado, the horses’ feet looked like coasters on a footstool, the steers humped up like mountains complete with a timberline, and every pen checker tore holes in his moon boots tryin’ to get his spurs on.
  
  
• So cold between Lander and Casper, Wyoming, that the wind froze everything within 168 square miles. Fortunately, no one was hurt.

It was so cold. Craig called from Consort, Alberta. I asked him what the temperature was. He said, “Minus 38.”

I asked him if that was Fahrenheit or Celsius?  He said, “It doesn’t make any difference!”