Astrology is one of those wonderful pseudo-sciences, like naturopathy or cattle futures, that anybody with an imagination can rapidly become an expert in. I have taken it upon myself to devise my own astrological symbols. If there is some question which sign you were born under, just ask a friend. I present them to you now.
• OKRA – People born under the sign of Okra are slippery, smooth-talkin’ and slick. Without self-restraint, they can slide right over on their face. Okras make good molasses salesmen.
• HOLSTEIN CROSSES – These folks start out slow, never look like much but, like the sure and steady tortoise, often finish first in the race to everyone’s surprise. Feed bosses and second sons fall under this sign.
• COYOTE – Never one to hide from responsibility, they run from it. You hear them, you find their tracks, but they’re seldom seen. They eat the crusty end piece off a loaf of bread, the fat off a ham and fried shrimp tails. You can find Coyotes migrating every fall from Wyoming ranches to Arizona feedlots.
• FLASHING BEER SIGN – People found under this sign are steady, bright and occasionally incoherent. They gather wisdom and glow. Then they dispense it in a blinking neon blizzard. Often you will find nutritionists, veterinarians and economists in this category.
• ARCADE SPACE INVADERS – A.S. Invaders are born self-assured. This confidence comes from always knowing what color of socks they have on and their current bank balance. They have very little patience with Coyotes and Dice. A.S. Invaders make excellent bankers and wives.
• DICE – As you might guess, these people have a tendency to leap without looking, buy beachfront property in Saskatchewan and flip for the tab. However, as long as they’re winning, we see them as glamorous. Most Dice feed cattle.
• MT. RUSHMORE – Individuals born under this sign spend much time accumulating knowledge. They can be very helpful but tend to be idealistic in solving problems. “Rushes” make good county agents, graduate students and columnists.
• CATTLE GUARDS – Usually strong, stubborn and level-headed, they get run over regularly by Space Invaders, Dice, Okra, Holstein Crosses, Coyotes, Rushes and Flashing Beer Signs.
A large number of Cattle Guards wind up ranching.
