“Are you growing a beard?” is a question I get a lot this time of year. Between the air biting my face and the general ambivalence I have toward hygiene, I let my face hair go in the winter. I never know how to answer this question, “Are you growing a beard?”

My answer is similar to a question asked in the summer. “Are you growing a weed patch?” I didn’t prepare a seedbed, scatter mustard seeds and diligently water my weed patch for it to grow. I just neglect it and the weeds come. “Yes” is the answer, “I am growing a weed patch.” Similarly, I don’t “do” anything to cultivate my chin whiskers. On the contrary, the “doing” of nothing is the genesis of my beard.

I consider myself clean-shaven. I was in college when I grew my first real beard. When my mother saw it, she said, “If that’s the best beard you can grow, why bother?” That day, I learned the power of mockery. It works well on teenagers, politicians and anyone else who thinks they’re smarter than you. Since my mother’s remark, I have been clean-shaven.

My daughter has given me the perfect perspective on a beard. One time, after shaving my scruff, my daughter told me, “Dad, you look five years younger when you shave.” With a little joy in my heart, I replied, “With a bare face, I look 40?” “No Dad, you look 50 when you shave.” (My actual age is somewhere between 40 and 50).

In about 2015, I noticed a disturbing fad of trendy hipsters growing beards. During this time, I was hesitant to let my beard grow. I was afraid of accusations that I too was a trendy hipster. I suffer through this same problem about every decade when plaid shirts and blue jeans come back in style. During these decennial times, waiters at restaurants look askance when I order a steak instead of kale chips and avocado toast.

In this summer’s blockbuster movie Top Gun: Maverick, there is one character with a bad mustache. Since that time, I have noticed another disturbing trend … the mustache. From preppy college boys to buckaroos, every male in the 18- to 35-year-old demographic is growing a mustache, many unaware of the cultural seed that was planted this summer. I am the beneficiary of this fad. The growing of a mustache is never accidental. This is good news for me, as I can neglect my facial hair and avoid accusations of being a trendy hipster. (On an interesting side note, my kids thought a mustache happened when a man let his nose hairs grow out. You’ll never look at a mustache the same way.)

The beard can be used to cover almost any facial flaw a man may have. Do you have a prominent chin? Grow a beard. A less than prominent chin? Grow a beard. Are you worried about skin cancer? Grow a beard. Do you have skin cancer? Grow a beard. A man can grow a beard in the same way a woman will apply makeup – to enhance and conceal.

A beard can be the perfect prop. Any man with a beard that turns from gray to white will get constant requests to be Santa Claus at every Christmas party. You could be the meanest, most foul-mouthed con man alive, but if you have a Santa Claus beard, you will be asked to be Santa Claus.

Are you having trouble with your “man card?” You just don’t have the bona fides of a man’s man. Grow a beard. Growing even the most pathetic, scraggly beard sends a clear message to the world: I am a man (or I’m in the circus).

I have never been very committed to facial hair. At the first sign of itchiness, I pull out my rusty razor and shave. There are many things I will commit to, but a beard is not one of them.

The longest I was able to maintain my facial hair was about three months. Close to five years ago, I grew a beard as a punchline to a joke on my in-laws. In my mind, that shows more commitment to my in-bad-taste jokes than a commitment to facial hair. I think that tells you everything you need to know about me.

The growing of a beard is a great reminder of the miracle that is production agriculture. I know we all work hard and there is always more work than hours in the day, but we don’t actually grow food … the land does. We put seeds in the ground, add a little water and fertilizer, and the crop just grows. Most of our effort goes into eliminating weeds and other unwanted pests from our fields. In fact, a great portion of our work is trying to stop unwanted things from growing. Just like my beard.