No matter what romantic phrase was on them, every piece of that pastel, solid powder, heart-shaped candy tasted like Pepto-Bismol. Which was a good thing!
Handing out a Valentine’s Day card in the third grade was a big deal. I’m almost 9 years old; this might be my soulmate. At least that’s what I thought. She shot me down like a loan officer and broke my heart before I even said the word Happ…! But, now that I’m older, I realize that moment prepared me for future similar situations of rejection.
Like going to the DMV, Walmart or, even worse yet, trying to call any company’s customer service department and wanting to talk to an actual person. Those little heart-shaped candies have been my valentine and coated my innards for years.
You might say, “Tim, I’m more of a chocolate kind of girl.” That might be where I went wrong in the third grade. Maybe if I would have presented little Becky Sue with some chocolates from CVS, my life would be different, and she would be the one calling customer service. On occasions in the past, I’ve tried to take the high road and given heart-shaped boxes of chocolate candies, but the same thing always happens. Every time. Women pick the good pieces out, then toss the rest in the trash.
Chocolate companies know you women do this. We men feel bad, like you didn’t like what we got you, so we buy you another box, then another, then another. Before we figure out you women and the chocolate elves have this conspiracy thing going on, we have bought you $1,000 of boxed chocolate. We do this because we love you. Ladies, if you bought your man a shirt, and he cut the sleeves off because he doesn’t like sleeves, would you buy him another shirt? Heck, no.
You’d tell your girlfriends, “Well, I guess he didn’t like the shirt I got him for Father’s Day ’cause he used my best kitchen scissors to cut the sleeves right off that thing. See if I ever buy him another piece of clothing again! As far as I’m concerned, he can go naked everywhere from now on.” You know I’m right.
Luckily for us men, we may soon be rid of this vicious Valentine’s Day cycle of chocolate madness. We now have a legitimate excuse. Studies reveal there is a shortage of chocolate worldwide. Yes, this is true, but I don’t think ya’ll need to start building a bunker and hoarding M&M’s quite yet. However, don’t be surprised if your man starts giving you other types of edibles to express his dire love for you in the future. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a bag of Cheetos and beef jerky. If it’s too much for your stomach, just eat a dozen of the heart-shaped Valentine’s candies. There’s no shortage on them. 
Hey! March 9, 2019, I’ll be in southern Wisconsin – in Janesville, Wisconsin. I’ll be doing a show for the Rock County Dairy Association at the Janesville Performing Arts Center. For tickets, visit Janesville Performing Arts Center or call (608) 758-0297.
