Sharks have a movie and even have Shark Week. Sharks don’t do half the damage as cows. If you wanna see more shark attacks … try and milk a shark. But really, who can hold their breath that long?
We all know shark attacks happen in the water, but how tall is your grass that a cow can just sneak up on you? For Pete’s sake, they’ve got a bell around their neck. Sharks eat swimmers because they think they are eating the everyday seal. Cows are domesticated, land-dwelling, vegetarian predators. Are these people all wearing camo?
I’ve lived in Florida my entire life. My aunt took me to see the original Jaws movie on my sixth birthday. I don’t go to the beach anymore. I learned very young that sharks eat hot chicks in bikinis but prefer fat kids who don’t swim very well. Growing up on a cattle farm, maybe not reading National Geographic and being ignorant were strengths that saved my life. As a kid, it was scary enough walking alone out to the barn at night to check close-up cows with the Children of the Corn movie re-playing in my head. I can’t imagine combining that with some type of Jaws version for cows’ theme song. Moo-ooh, Moo-ooh, Moo, Moo, Moo.
What’s making these cows snap? Listen, I get it. I’d be angry too. I make the cow eat the same thing every day, I take their milk, and some days I even put on a glove. I did some research, and in a few cases I don’t think the cows were at fault. For instance, the cow tippers out there probably had it coming. One case involved a United Nations food drop. They were dropping cows into a remote village, and the parachutes didn’t open. Apparently, a couple of folks thought they could catch the cow like a pillow. In another case, two cows wandered onto the Tilt-O-Whirl at the fair. Cows should never be involved when it comes to centrifugal force. The weirdest case happened on a Hindu farm.
Cow Week! The show trailer video would be in an open field with a chain-link cage. Some brave person has their arm sticking out of the cage trying to entice cows over with dry hay drenched in molasses. Then, in the barn, we would make a vegan eat a hamburger to save lives – because cows attack.
To put it in perspective, we ate over 31 million cows last year. Don’t worry people – we’re still winning. Keep milk’n it. 
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