So, Halloween and costumes it is.
First off, there are some scary things out there on Halloween, and y’all need to know how to defend yourselves. If you see a werewolf, you’re gonna need a silver bullet. Not the Coors Light kind but an actual bullet. If a vampire shows up, in order to off him, you need a steak. A good tough, grainy, wooden steak, like you would eat at the Golden Corral. And if you need to get rid of the Children of the Corn, use a combine.
Growing up, we never had jack-o’-lanterns on the farm. I made a jack-o’-lantern, and my grandpa charged me $14 for the pumpkin. Our jack-o’-lantern was an empty box with a face drawn on it with a paint stick used for marking cattle. Two questions you need to ask before bobbing for apples: Is this well water? And are those apples?
I’m not a fashion consultant, but here are some tips for costumes this year. Last year, my cousin Mark went as Larry the Cable Guy wearing Daisy Dukes and actually won the drag queen contest. Bam! If you’re making a Spiderman costume, don’t staple an actual spider to your chest. The spider won’t make it. And please don’t go as a farm animal unless you feel like being put in a pen. You may not want to go as a deer either; this is also hunting season. Don’t use your bed sheet to go as a ghost if you happen to wet the bed the night before. Otherwise, you’ll look like an egg sunny-side up.
We all like the candy. Last year, I saw the first trick-or-treaters at my gate, and by the time they had gotten to the door, I ate all the candy. If you’re handing out Halloween candy, this isn’t the time to be handing out leftover canned goods or fruitcake from last year’s Christmas party. The candy should be store-bought, not some fun-sized molasses cookies your granny made. And for those of you in Iowa, handing out corn on the cob with sugar on it is not candy corn.
And remember kids, if you live on a farm and want to trick or treat for Halloween, you should get in your cardio, lots of cardio. It’s two miles to the nearest house. So unless you jog like a Kenyan, you may not get much candy.
A couple spooky jokes to help you celebrate. How do you fix a broken jack-o’-lantern? With a pumpkin patch. What kind of dog did Dracula have? A bloodhound. Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them. 
Visit Tim or hire him to entertain at your next event at Tim the Dairy Farmer.
