Someone asked me, “You have cows. Why don’t you wear cowboy boots?” I replied, “The same reason I don’t wear a thong. I don’t like the wedge.” Cowboy boots are a lot like the famous “mullet” hairstyle. Business in the front, party in the back. During the week, cowboy boots can be worn to the office. Then, come Saturday night, they’re tearing up the line-dance floor.
Cowboys and ranchers wear cowboy boots for functionality to hold themselves in the stirrups while on a horse. Politicians wear cowboy boots to make themselves look more rugged and blue-collar type. Let’s face it, sometimes the only thing that pairs nicely with a pair of chaps is a pair of cowboy boots. Nobody is going to take you seriously if your wear leather chaps and flip-flops – unless you’re in a parade in Key West.
Cowboy boots come in all shapes, textures, styles, heights and colors. Yet there are many places where cowboy boots probably shouldn’t be worn – such as any type of sporting event that doesn’t involve animals. Maybe goat yoga, but that’s an exception. I’d actually watch professional sports if every player had to boot-scoot and boogey down the field in a pair of corner-roach stompers. A basketball game involving cowboy boots would sound a lot more like a version of Riverdance.
Another activity not suitable for cowboy boots would be scuba diving. I’ve read that having a piece of cowhide tied to your scuba suit will deter sharks from attacking you. That’s great advice, but when your boots fill up with water, you’re gonna sink like the Titanic.
I’ve also heard that human urine will stop a shark attack as well. I know if a shark came rolling up on me in the ocean I would definitely empty my bladder and my bowels just to be safe. In fact, before you wear your cowboy boots in the ocean, please don’t even consider wearing them on the beach. You’re embarrassing your family on vacation. Even the Canadians don’t wear cowboy boots at the beach.
Never rob a bank wearing cowboy boots either. You ever wonder why Matt Dillon was able to catch all the bank robbers so easily on Gunsmoke? The robbers couldn’t run away fast enough in cowboy boots. Unless you’re a Dallas Cowgirl cheerleader, I wouldn’t recommend trying to high-kick during your jazzercise class either.
And finally … Why do cowboys want to die with their boots on? So they don’t stub their toe when they kick the bucket.
