I spent a lot of time traveling around this past year, and I need to share some of what I’ve heard and learned along the way.
If you ever lock your keys in a rental car, make sure you’re in the parking lot of a Pizza Ranch restaurant in the middle-of-nowhere Iowa. Be about 55 minutes away from your destination and three hours before you have to be on stage. Definitely make sure it's 33 degrees and snowing. Don’t just think you’re gonna run in really quick, eat and get back on the road. And don’t think that since you’re just running in really quick that you will not need your jacket, gloves or warm hat either! I’m an idiot!
If you didn’t know this, here’s another tidbit of knowledge: Just because a vehicle has OnStar emergency for things like accidents or locking your keys in the car, doesn’t mean it works. Apparently, the rental company doesn't pay for such services. Then why did I pay them so much?
So, you’re probably thinking, “Tim, just call the rental car company or a locksmith," right? Well, that’s when I realized my phone was in the car in my jacket pocket. After two-and-a-half hours of me shivering like a little kitten in the snow, some really nice people helped me break into the vehicle. I’ll give you no first names, but they had a lot of tattoos and the proper means of stealing a rental car. So, what did I learn? Always get full coverage on a rental car. If I had paid for that, I could have thrown a brick through the windshield and been on my way in three minutes. It wouldn’t have cost me an extra penny.
Some stories are worth repeating. Here is one of them. I was doing a show at an independent seed dealership in a Wisconsin barn. (All I have to do is mention Wisconsin, and everyone already knows where this is going.) Yes, I ate too much cheese and was bound up for a week. But, that’s not the story. This is what I’ve learned about Wisconsin in my years of going there: alcohol, brats, cheese and more alcohol.
I was performing at a customer appreciation dinner for about 300 people. Which, by the way, was the largest attendance ever for the annual event. (I’m sure it was because I was there, just a shameless plug.) After the show, a fella walks up and starts telling me about last year’s event. He was talking about what a great time he had and that he drank one too many “old fashioneds.” Luckily, he only lived a couple miles away and his wife drove him home. He said they only had to stop six times in that 2-mile drive for him to open the door and unleash the dragons! They arrived home, his wife went in the house, and he passed out in the front yard. Sometime later, he came to and thought he had died. He saw a bright light and angel wings. He said, “I knew at that point, my time on earth was over. It was actually kind of peaceful.” He closed his eyes again thinking he would wake up in heaven. A bit later, he opened his eyes, but he was still alive on earth. And that's when he noticed he was looking at the porch light and those angel wings he thought he saw were actually just the long shadow of a moth’s wings flying around the porch light. Hilarious!
