When you’re a successful farmer, you shape your world. It is your job to level mountains and create new ones by sheer determination. You have many employees who work for you – and when you say “Jump,” they say “How high?”
Salesmen and service providers take the same attitude because they want your business.
You’re the boss. Dinner is served at home at whatever time you want it and not to mention where you want it. God bless those farm spouses bringing hot meals to the fields. Your world becomes based on how you want it. This is the world of a successful businessman or woman. The closer your reality becomes aligned with your goals, the more successful you are. This may sound familiar and feels like life is pretty awesome, but … every profession comes with a vice.
For instance, most salesmen become challenged by alcoholism at some time in their careers because it is their job to drink alcohol while entertaining clients and making sales. But what is the vice many successful farmers face? It’s narcissism.
Sigmund Freud made an analogy of narcissism to childlike behavior – and I don’t mean the innocent kind. Toddlers demand things and want them instantly or they’ll throw a temper tantrum. Or they play victim and dish a platter of flattery until they get their way. They feel like this is only right because they are the only ones who matter and their needs are more important than anyone else’s. This not only describes a 2-year-old but the worldview of a narcissist – except they are 2 years old going on 36 or even 63. Narcissism is the mental disorder of “you.” People with this disorder are arrogant, self-centered, manipulative and demanding. They are convinced they deserve special treatment. They have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat. Sometimes, it is not fun to be around them.
In 2017, there was a dissertation done at Walden University by a Ph.D. candidate named Stephen Murdock, called “The development of narcissism among lawyers and farmers.” In this study, he found that lawyers and farmers were the two occupations that had the highest degree of narcissism. When you think about it, as a lawyer, you use your words to shape the environment around you. As a farm owner, when you tell everyone what to do daily and the farm becomes your fiefdom that rotates around your commands, it is very easy to fall into this mental trap. This is a serious occupational hazard for many farmers. That is because it is hard to be in a partnership, or even a family relationship, with anyone who acts like a toddler. Farming partnerships and marriages fall apart because of this.
My own father was an extreme narcissist, and I personally witnessed the impact this has on a farm family. It not only led to our farm’s implosion but also my parents' divorce. I went to three different counselors trying to figure out how to deal with my dad. Do you know what answer they all consistently gave me? Divorce him. Cut him out of your life.
If you Google narcissism, you’ll quickly realize that this is the standard answer most psychologists will give. But I’ve lived the end results in living color and can tell you it is not an answer. In most dire farm family conflicts, narcissism is a root issue, and giving this advice didn’t feel right. For this reason, I became obsessed by the topic and read about it probably more than anyone giving their Ph.D. dissertation; 47 books about it in the past year, to be exact. This radically transformed the nature in how I work with farm families, and I’ve figured out a way to transform the mindset of a narcissist without making a big deal of it.
But what I’ve realized is that the most powerful tool is to just simply recognize that we are in an occupation where falling prey to this toxic behavior is very possible. Similar to a salesman who socializes for a living setting a strict rule of never having more than two drinks per day and only light beer, you can set similar rules for yourself to guard against narcissistic behavior.
As farmers, we are proud to tell everyone about how humble we are. It is how we see ourselves, yet often it is not our reality. As an alcoholic, you see yourself drinking beer. To quit, you can pour alcohol down a sink. But how do you change your mindset to get out of something that you aren’t aware that you are doing?
Nobody wants to admit that they are a narcissist. In fact, if you want to get a quick punch in the face, it’s a great way to strike up a conversation with your relative. Yet I think any farmer could be convinced about the virtue of being “humble.” There are many ways a farmer can quell themselves of narcissistic personality disorder, but I think the easiest way is to make a resolution to become more humble. I think this is something anybody and everyone could get behind.
If we applied humility to each tendency of a narcissist, it would look something like this:
- You would stop being arrogant and start seeing other people in the room.
- You would stop putting yourself on a pedestal and get realistic, seeing yourself at a human level.
- The need for praise doesn’t rule your life. Stop caring about what your old man or brother says.
- Any sense of entitlement is squashed, and you realize you don’t deserve any more than you’ve earned.
- You don’t exploit others.
- Your callous and uncompassionate behavior is broken and you become more empathetic and understanding, sharing the feelings of others.
- You don’t envy others or believe the neighbors envy you.
- You understand the need to stop disrespecting personal boundaries.
- You stop taking advantage and are more considerate of the value of other people’s time or needs.
- You learn to be less dissatisfied and selfish and start being grateful for the little wins and appreciate others’ contributions.
All 10 of these traits may not apply to you. But you probably heard someone say something about one of these traits. (Hint: If this article is on the kitchen fridge and one of these traits is highlighted, that might be something worth paying attention to.) What I am saying is that every farmer could pick one of these traits off this list and make it like a resolution to work on over the next 90 days. Then once you’ve turned this weakness into a strength, pick the next lowest-hanging fruit.
I have seen how simple, humble, motivating actions can fix some big problems on farms. For instance, one farm picked No. 10 to “stop being dissatisfied and start being grateful for the little wins.” The daughter who was taking over the dairy started saying “thank you” and started being more grateful (i.e., started high-fiving) every time they had a little win on the farm. This might seem wishy-washy, but it made at least $100,000 difference. For instance, their milk quality improved with SCC going from more than 300,000 to 180,000 because staff started caring about doing a better job as their employers encouraged them. The day I showed up, they had two employees quit, and they had over a 40% annual staff turnover. They were constantly understaffed, causing training and production problems. A year later, they had only 10% staff turnover. Why? Because two family members went from having narcissistic behaviors and only focused on their needs (thus being miserable to work around) to being focused on their employees’ needs and making everyone they worked with happier. They went from being crabby to being fun to be around.
Being aware of the dangers of narcissism, having an environment in which everyone tries to do the exact opposite, is the foundation for creating a farm culture everyone wants to be part of. Why not give it a try?
