Most of us remember Mr. Whipple telling us, “Don’t squeeze the Charmin.” In recent years, Mr. Whipple has been replaced by a family of blue bears telling us how soft Charmin can be and to “Enjoy the go.”
Enjoy the go. Mankind has been “going” as long as we’ve been around. And after some research, I don’t think it was that enjoyable. The early Roman Empire used the three-stone theory, whereby it was common that the work could be completed with three smooth stones. Amazingly, archeologists have uncovered some of these stones with names chiseled into them. Maybe this is how the original “pet rock” started or an early version of toilet paper with the name or face of a public figure they didn’t like. Other civilizations were known for using seashells. Ouch! Imagine putting a seashell up to your ear and hearing a growler from the bowels.
Over time, and before Preparation H, civilizations discovered things like well-sanded wooden tools and sea sponges were much gentler on the backside. Early American settlers discovered the many uses of a corncob. From a corncob pipe and corncob wine to corncob toilet paper. The corncob was soft yet strong, with a quilted pattern much like Charmin today. It’s been said that most people preferred sweet corn corncobs to popcorn corncobs because popcorn was unstable during the summer heat in an outhouse. Basically, the same as a bag of popcorn in a microwave without the butter.
Modern-day toilet paper here in North America was invented in the late 1800s but never really caught on until the early 1900s. The Scott Paper Company’s advertisements for toilet paper promoted “less splinters.” People were hesitant to buy toilet paper because they already had newspapers and catalogs within reach. In fact, the America method was actually called “the closest smoothest object method.”
The definition I was researching is very vague. Still, to this day, if you see a true Farmer’s Almanac, there is a hole in the upper left-hand corner of the book. Why? Because back in the day, in the privies and outhouses, the Farmer’s Almanac would be hung on a nail so patrons could “read and wipe.” Look it up. This is true Americana!
I do know residents were happy when toilet paper was invented. It was a lot easier to TP someone’s house than the old way of just throwing corncobs at it.
So next time you happen to be at a friend’s home and just realized they are out of toilet paper, remember the corncob. And that, my friends, is why I always have drive-through napkins in my glove box.
